February 29, 2020
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I’m telling you right now that’s gotta
go yeah that’s bad that was really bad okay see this is why this is important
this whole thing just hold presentation just just throw it take it with the
garbage America is open for business and we’re
here to see how far we can sell out before the people push back this is fake
focus group public transit is a mess suffering from overcrowding and poor
service it’s clearly driving people crazy now cities are turning to
rideshare apps as an alternative however what’s the trade-off for this
convenience aside from their higher price these apps have been accused of
being discriminatory in classes what if these worlds fly and car ride share
logic was applied to the rapidly failing New York City subway phony Proctor Samir
invited two groups of New York commuters to get their insight on a subway system
supposedly rolling out next year just in case people were a little tepid on the
idea we had our man on the inside Z Spectre play devil’s advocate real
people phony services yes if we had a really exciting day
ahead of us will top two it will go around the room
tell us how do you feel about public transportation the efficiency of it
could be better smell like pee yeah I’ve also been flashed in the subway do
you expect a little something special yeah we’ve let the system deteriorate so
much that it’s hard to patch it up now sooner or later the bubble is gonna
burst from your office in the people are gonna basically start to revolt so our
focus groups made it clear the system was plain broken with that in mind we
were ready to show them the pitch reliable yes ethically questionable you
bet your sweet ass straphanger is a new community transportation service with a
legacy of connecting people coming in 2020 straphanger will solve the issues
of the current public system no more train delays no more passenger
congestion and accurate schedules our new fleet of transit vehicles will
include spacious VIP sections flush with USB port charging stations for personal
devices VIP commuters will be able to breeze through stations and get to their
destination without delay rider safety is important and suspicious
non-essential riders are a growing problem at transit stops and stations
that’s why straphanger is proud to partner with private security companies
to protect our commuters with the help of our community we look forward to
connecting the city and closing the circuit here and
eventually everywhere strap on first we wanted to see how the group responded to
straphangers VIP option when our commuters be willing to pay $200 for
less delays less crowding and extra security let’s see I just see Aleve hism
written all over this this whole system to me smacks of classism I don’t say I
don’t like it gentrification on the train pretty much
that’s that’s a good way to face and go in the back you know peasant it’s so
anti-american all right and who wants you rent the cops in the subway because
we do they might be psychos more than some of the other guys are I can assure
you guys they’re much more than ready cops new guys are tactically trained to
happen you know okay just seeing that stormtrooper kid the guy that was like a
total turnoff did you see what he did walked up and just kicked it with it and
he’s carrying a friggin m16 this is what ladder because that tested really well
the hell is that tested well yeah so the VIP section clearly wasn’t an
instant hit so Samir moved on to entice them with
some exclusive amenities we’re bouncing around the idea of in the VIP cars like
doing surprise and delight sort of suppose you got into a VIP car one day
and Yoko Ono is performing yeah well I mean we’re why not oh yeah we’ll be
lovely it’s quiet that would be a blessing what
about maybe like Zen yoga giving people like meditation lessons leave the
entertainment outside the Train okay strike two so it felt like the right
time for our panel to offer some suggestions that might keep them on
board I would need for me I’m paying to another small
Peter’s mom I want cushion seats maybe uh some snacks he smoked no I don’t know
there was this discussion of like overlooking like use of marijuana the
grip before this was vehemently angry when we suggested this done and like no
we found no smoking period I don’t want any help
marijuana smoke I don’t want any Oh cigarette smoke marijuana if you don’t
like it to make you puke yeah I’d like a smoke cart though I’m the same America’s
glowing yeah changin your life has changed but you know I can understand a
lot of people don’t like smoke don’t infringe on my personal space period
what if it was a vaporizer product yeah no smoking baby cool
Jeff’s grievances were all valid but there was still one serious problem that
remained unsolved I’ve also been flashed in the subway so our first initiative is
how are we going to eliminate sex pass I’m the guy that’s like ready to judge
who in front of me objective look in a last-ditch effort the group was
recruited to come up with PSAs in an attempt to resolve the problem to be
candid what it’s basically trying to say is our security will fuck you up if
you’re a sex fest don’t come here paired up with kind of like a visual like what
do you see and what is the slogan say and this is my slogan no sex in this
caboose is there any way you can punch that up to make it my poster would be
we’re watching you with the big red you know don’t do thing but inside there
will be the cucumber that everybody uses as the penis emoji
right with a hand with little wise like it’s moving on the cucumber the eggplant
right right yes it’s very millennial and stuff but like my grandmother would
think Oh do not bring an eggplant on this trend
it’s good idea but it just – extremely horny well wait because our security
fixes matter very so that is it honey flame really good can you put this stuff
on the train you got kids getting in these sections – they don’t learn a word so it all came down to this our final
vote are these commuters prepared to hop on the straphanger train so let’s see
like where do these changes know it marks that why you guys are complicating
your lives now do you wanna make problems keep it simple stupid just make
the trains run on time yeah make laws enforce em all right and make it clean
you do those three things you’re done in the end it seems like these people
shared the same train of thought and didn’t want to adopt a system that would
derail their functioning yet an efficient system I realized that we’re
getting to that time so if you could just fill out your comment cards clearly
from their comments we’ll have to go back to the drawing board with this one straphanger rules ride safe respect
others don’t misbehave absolutely no sex you

Tony wyaad

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